Put Me in My Place

There should be no question in your mind as to whether or not I am competitive.

If there is...I AM!!!

Paul and I took vacation time this week to spend time together before the kids head back to school. We are laying low and having much needed R and R. We have some day trips planned and a few over night adventures scheduled.

Having no schedule or lists has been the best part.

Yesterday, we spent the entire day at the pool. The weather was great. The rec center we selected has both an indoor and an outdoor pool. This allowed us a break from the UV for awhile.
The indoor pool has a several options for entertainment. It's great.

One of the options is a "fitness pool." It's not anywhere near the distance of a lap pool.

Maddy challenged me to an IM. An IM requires the swimmer to swim all four strokes-butterfly, backstroke, breast stroke and freestyle-in that order, one at a time.

Maddy, having pity on me, said I could do freestyle twice and avoid the butterfly.

Well, given my competitive nature, this set me off a bit. I didn't let on, but I did take her up on the offer to avoid the fly.

I'm competitive, but I'm not an idiot!

How hard could it be? It's a "fitness pool." I have been running almost everyday. I knew I could take her.

Yeah not so much. She kicked my butt...She finished a full lap ahead of me...a lap and a half if you count the fact that I cheated and didn't swim to the end of the pool on any of my laps.

That girl can move!

Maddy's Race

Maddy said to me before she swam the 100m IM, "No offense mom, but I am swimming this race for Miss Jen."

She took 2 seconds off her time and first by an entire lap.

When she got out of the pool she said, "Now Miss Jen will know how important she was to me!"

It's always darkest before the dawn!

It can't get any darker.

Jen passed away this morning.

I still can't believe that I am writing these words.

It rained today. There was lighting too. I remember the spring storm 5 years ago that brought the entire neighborhood outside. The thunder clap was so loud Jen was sure that it had hit our house. She wanted to be sure that we were all OK.

That was Jen.

We moved into our house in October of 97. Jen greeted us immediately. I was nine months pregnant with Maddy. She made sure I had help with the unpacking of boxes.

That was Jen.

When the blizzard hit 10 days before I delivered, she made sure that I was doing OK.

That was Jen.

When I ranted and raved about how ugly this state gets in the Winter, she told me things I could plant to help keep my yard a little green all year.

That was Jen.

She embroidered a beautiful blanket for Hunter's birth.

That was Jen.

She was my emergency contact, my baby-sitter safety net. We were going to be the neighborhood originals. The two families still standing, while others come and go. We would always be here.

That was Jen.

She took interest in our kids. She treated them like they were people. She listened to Hunter- Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk.

That was Jen.

She remembered every important date in everyone's life. I can barely tell you the date on any given day. She died today. Today would have been my dad's 64th birthday. I am thankful that she will share this date with him. I will forever remember her and her legacy of faith, love and determination. I know only one other person as strong as Jen in her will and determination-My Mom.

Where is my voice?

After months of blogging, I have lost my voice. No, I haven't lost my physical voice. Not at all. I have lost my writer's voice. Oh to go back to when I could half laugh at my son's choices.

The pain of Jen is all consuming.

I look across the street daily...screaming out to God...begging Him to heal her.

Today...I am worried.

There are more cars out in front.

I don't know what that means...They are looking into hospice...Did Jen come home?...Did Jen go home?...I feel like I am in a nightmare. I can only imagine how they feel.

The kids got to spend the some of the week with G-pa and G-ma Worley in the Springs. When they called. The first question out of Hunter's mouth every time they called was "How did Ms. Jen do today?"

I spend hours crying...Oh the pain that they must feel...

People talk about needing to say good-bye...Needing closure...It makes me insane to hear that...

What about Ray?...what about the kids?...They need JEN!!!

Who are these people to think they need closure?

I know that j0y comes in the morning.

Where oh where is the morning.

Mr. G

Look at this little man.

Eleven months ago he entered the world, barely 4 pounds.

Clearly he has not missed a meal since.

He is our little miracle and my blessing during this painful time.

Happy Days

Maddy, Hunter, Ashliana, Koda and Coconut posing for a photo after waiting over an hour and a half to walk in the 4th of July parade.

It started out like a great idea. But we soon remembered why we stopped doing this 2 years ago.

My Friend Jen

We received word from Ray that Hospice is coming in to help with the Jen's passing from this earth to Heaven.

She is in unbelievable pain. Wednesday the doctor's removed over 15 pounds of fluid from her body. Her liver and kidneys have failed. The most the doctor's can do for her is manager her pain and make her comfortable.

While I am thankful that her pain and endless suffering will be over, I am dumbfounded by the loss. I can only imagine the grief and pain that Ray is enduring. I can't look across the street without crying.

I am ashamed at my lack of strength, while the ones closest to her, her dearly loved family faces the future without her.

I don't understand the ways of God sometimes. I can't see how this can ever come together for their good. I guess I have to trust God when He said, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, and My Ways are not your ways."

Epi-Pen

I know, hard to believe, but I have now posted twice in the last 4 hours. I guess "MIA" got my juices going again and opened my mind to all that has occurred in the 2 weeks.

Huh, as I reflect I realize that, God bless him, Hunter is the source of most of my material. I just hope and pray that we both live to see him graduate high school.

Monday of this week was a Monday in every sense of the word.

It started fine enough. You know, the normal boo hoo the weekend is over. Time to enter reality and head to work.

Work was work. Same old same old. Until about 1:30.

I received a frantic call from my mom that Hunter and Ashliana had found Nana's back up Epi pen in the basement.

De Ja Vue! Bleach ring a bell.

Same chapter, different verse.

Not only had they found the epi-pen. Hunter had managed to puncture himself with it.

I guess the old saying "All's well that ends well" is true, but let me tell you there was a period of time that day that I was not sure it would end well for the darlings. Counting to ten was a drop in the bucket. I was looking at counting to like a million.

Suffice it to say they will not be playing unsupervised for-well the rest of their lives-but hey who's counting?

Oh right me!

MIA

I know that I have been MIA the last couple of weeks. I have been consumed by Jen. She is fighting the fight of her life. Some how blogging seems so insignificant.

But the last two weeks have been filled with fun, joy and humor in spite of the heartache of watching Jen suffer.

We had the privilege of having Kaitie, Brandyn, and Krystie over to play the weekend before last. It was so amazing to watch all five kids be kids. Their innocent joy was so healing. They had water fights, played the wii, ate ice cream, and baked in the hot Colorado sun.

We bar-b-qued burgers and corn and ate watermelon. Summer at its best.

Fourth of July weekend brought the opportunity to spend some time with Jen. What a blessing. Paul urged me to go over. Praise God for a man of wisdom.

She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. As I reflect on the 11 years of friendship, I am in awe of how we have both grown. We were young mom's together. We wondered when we were going to have a house uncluttered by toys. As the kids have grown, we have lived through many adventures.

I have taken her for granted. Somehow, I assumed that we would always be neighbors. We would always be the "Emergency Contact" for all the school and field trip forms.
The babysitters would always know the Miller's were the go to family if anything happened.

I watch in disbelief as my dear friend fights her Pancreatic Cancer. I am awed by her faith and determination.

I still pray even at this dark hour for her healing.

Husband Control

Paul has censored me.

Believe it or not I listened.

I know hard to believe, but when he's right-he's right.

It's a long way from the Freedom of Speech activist I was when I graduated from college.

I swore I would NEVER agree with censorship.

My thought-read the book, filter it through the Bible, know what is right and what is wrong.

Have an educated opinion that is backed by facts.

This is and will continue to be my belief.

Don't bury your head in the sand.

Now I realize that censorship is not burying your head in the sand.

I will continue to have educated opinions based on facts and evidence.

But it will shared with Paul.

After all, I married him because he gets it.